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Saturday, February 13, 2010

Manifesting weird, crazy, insane parts of your soul

In the deep crevices of every human I really think that we are all multiple personalities, but only one manifests itself. I mean come on...we are made of genes, but only the domiant of those manifest itself. For example, my brother is brown with black hair, so is his wife, but they have a red haired ball of joy! If dominant genes  physichally manifieste why can't they also be manifiested in our personalities. This has been a struggle for me, because I feel like there are so many things that I am that I wish could be seen by other people. Yet, either by the city that I live in, the people I surround myself with, and just my dominate nature it seems hidden to the world. I still want to show the world these parts of me, and find those rare few that also like what I like....but it is hard! So here goes...some things that I am/miss about life before/or want to do that people would proably never know.

I love techno. I want to go and dance in a techno club. Strobe lights, big pants, multi color hair


Have a desire to hang out with crazy funny friends in random places like a railroad station or  under a highway bridge


Make Crazy youtube videos with people that are not afraid of being stupid



Dance some random hip hop craziness in the middle of the city



Find friends that will go travel cross country with me... toilet papering random peoples houses along the way




Singing and being part of a pop/techno/garage band


I love my friends, but having one friend in which I could do stupid, random, and insane things with




wow....I think what my psyche wants is to be juvenile again....that reminded me of one time where me and my friends dragged a bed through the streets as cars were approaching, because we thought it was funny...and i pee'd my pants...anyways! ya! so now I need to figure out a way to do all of this this year...if you think you could help then comment and tell me what I should do!

peace, love, brittani

Thursday, February 11, 2010

A love song





When i'm alone in my room
Sometimes i stare at the wall
And at the back of my mind i hear my conscious call
Telling me i need a boy who's as sweet as a dove
For the first time in my life, i see i need love
There i was giggling about the games that i had played with many hearts
And i'm not sayin' no names.
Then the thought occurred, tear drops made my eyes burn
As i said to myself when am i gonna learn?
I can feel it inside, i can't explain how it feels
All i know is that i'll never dish another raw deal
Playin' make believe, pretending that i'm true,
Holding in my laugh as i say that i love you.

Saying no more, kissing you on the ear,
Whispering 'i love you and i'll always be here,
Although i always reminisce, i can believe that i found
A desire for true love floating around inside my soul
Because my soul is cold, one half of me deserves to be this way
Until i'm old, but the other half needs affection and joy
And the warmth that is created by a girl and a boy

I need love (Got my mind made up,Got my mind made up, Got my mind made up)i need love (Got my mind made up)
I'm a lady (Got my mind made up)
I need love.i need love
I'm a lady

I had a dream that you and i were both 16
Holding hands after school,
We didn't care who would see
You'd tell me that i was pretty and that you'd love me for life
Take care of me forever 'cause you'd make me a wife
When the girls call me up and try to mess with my head
Tell 'em all that if i left you, you'd be better off dead
'cause you'll never love another, they just don't understand
That your life would be over if i found another mate,
You call me up on the phone, we were talking til we fell asleep,
Without you i think i'd rather be in hell
Life just wouldn't be as fun, it wouldn't be the same,
I wanna stay with you forever and even take your last name
'cause there's no one in my life that makes me feel as good as you
The way we cuddle on the couch and share the secrets that we do
With all the little jokes that no one else could ever know and the part of me
That you can see 'cause you're the one i show
I know we gotta make it work, 'cause baby you're the man for me
Without you by my side my world would be incomplete
And if you ever leave me lonely, boy my heart would be crushed
you know you touch me so now i know boy,

I need love.i need love
I'm a lady
I need love..i need love
I'm a lady
I need love ï'm a lady 



Amanda Blake

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Beautiful Life histories:: Beautiful Bus Riding



I remember throughout my life always riding public transportation. At first I hated it. My mom would never drive me anywhere. I would have to take the bus to the mall, friends, church etc. Yet, something special always happened on the bus, and that was the unity of community. As I grew and bounced back and forth between parents I found I would feel trapped if I could not just hop on a bus and go. I loved the freedom and independence would bring. I could leave my world behind me, and explore the world yet undiscovered!

This love for public transportation grew even more as I moved to Salt Lake City for my last two years of high school. I loved taking trax, buses, and walking  anywhere my heart desired! During this time I was able to meet random people on the street, and these people became my friends; they became a part of my life just by being in the same spot everyday.

Walking past a parking lot I remember saying hi every day to a 30 year old Hispanic attendant. I would never know if he was in there until  I walked by and the blinds from his hub would suddenly whisk open, and his beautiful smile would beam as he waved frantically to me.

 Down the road I would walk past the ever present homeless person as we exchanged smiles and nods. Next I would walk past the LDS temple as I exchanged glances with another parking attendant. The bus drivers also became my friends.

Our lives became in sync as the bus driver would tell me about her kids, and I would tell her about school. If one day I forgot my bus pass it was not a problem, because she knew I would have it  next time. This bond helped us protect each other as one day a man that lost his temper attacked another man. We both stood up, and screamed our hearts out at him! "Hey!" we yelled " Get off the BUS!", and he did!

All of these people became a part of my life, and I was blessed to have them sprinkled like sugar into it!

As I started  driving my car to work everyday I lost that. I missed it. It became the one thing I desired the most. Seeing the world pass you by as you , only you, drive past it offers you nothing. I did not get the fulfilling glances of a stranger. Instead I got the self loathing of my brain.

Luckily this only lasted 6 months, and I am now on the bus again! The effects of me being on the bus have  re-surfaced as four people touched my heart, and made me ponder the sweetness, sorrows, and mysteries of life today.

On the way to work there was a mother, and her baby, playing with each other. The baby obviously adored her , and was sweetly caressing her face. He would smile as the mom whisked him up into the air. It was a sweet bond. I find it beautiful the connection between a mom and her baby. It is one of the most beautiful things in this world.  That was not the highlight, though.

Across the way was an older man looking fondly at the pair as they snuggled, caressed, and played with each other. His face seemed to endearingly enjoy the two, yet also had look of longing  as well. It made me wonder where his wife was? How many children did he have? Was this something that was in his life, but was soon taken hostage by time? Did he have memories of his own precious wife cuddling their baby? It just made me wonder how much of a blessing family can be, and also that those precious moments are short lived, and in the future must be re-lived through other people.

When I switched to take trax another individual caught my eye. Living in Downtown Salt Lake for five years I have become adequet in recognizing someone that lives on the street. The are usually men, have a hiking bag strapped to their back, and wear layers and layers of clothing. This was one of those men. This man caught my eye today because there were tears coming from his eyes. At first I thought maybe it was because he was older ( 50-60), and it was just fluid discharging. Yet, reading the emotions from his face it made me think maybe not...

 At first I was a little concerned. Thoughts started going through my mind of what I could do? Do I have money I can give him? no....Should I say a kind word? what if he thinks I am a freak?...Maybe I will just say a prayer? ok...I will say a prayer. When I looked again at his face, though, he did not seem to be crying out of sorrow, but a smile was on his face. Did something touch him earlier? Was he thinking of his family that he is not in contact with anymore? Did at first that bring him sorrow, but then happiness as he remembered them fondly? My questions were not answered, but just by the mere riding on the bus he changed my day for the better.

The others also changed my life for the better. Instead of focusing on my own life I was treated at seeing a glimpse of their lives! What a pleasure it was!