Airplanes

High school circ 2004 I was doing my first online class. It was a sociology class where I was exposed to different cultures, religions, and ideas. I was asked to do a term paper for the class, and quite eaisly I was drawn to do one on the Gypsies -- a ethinic group from Romania that are known for travelling, at will, around the world.  They are known for living next door to you one minute, and right before you really get to know them, you wake up...go to their house..and their gone. .

This may seem like a random topic for a sixteen year old to be interested in, but looking back at  it subconsciously it fit perfectly. I have started to realize why my heart was drawn to them while analyzing my life thus far.

Growing up I have always felt a love of escaping, finding myself alone yet surrounded by others, being totally anonymous.

You see I grew up in cars and airplanes. Flying by myself every few months to various places by the age of ten I learned that I was most comfortable being surrounded by total strangers where no one knew me, no one could get a hold of me,  and I was going to a new place where my identity and persona would start fresh.

I didn't know it then , but both during the traveling, and the reaching of a new destination was where I would be most happy. Although there were ups and downs of traveling ( getting lost, earaches, etc) it was always exciting.   These feelings flooded back to me as I took the train/bus from LA-Oakland.

While on the train there was the rush of being near strangers who you are connected to at that particular moment in time, but whom you will never see again in your life.  Walking down the isles it brought a smile to my face seeing two friends curled up into each other on the seat watching the waves as we sped past, a young black man staring a a picture of his significant other and his child, the train master going back and forth checking the tickets, and a homeless man bargaining a deal out of him so he could stay on the train..

Returning to my seat, my window view would be a never ending display of images. Neighborhoods would turned into cities,  and cities into counties. Hundreds of people in these scenes would, for a split second, run in and out of my life--Walking their dogs, surfing, driving their car, sitting at a bus stop. It was as if I got to know about them , but not ever know them. During this time your life just is. It has nothing to do with your past, and nothing to do with your future, but EVERYTHING to do with your now.  you are free, you have no responsibilities, cares, or time tables.  You enjoy it as a time to prepare for your next destination.

I always loved being in a new place as well. Not getting to know people well enough before eventually poof like a Genie I was gone.  I remember clearly this happening as a young child.

After my parents divorced I was able to travel back and forth between various places. Between the ages of 10-16 I never lived in a place longer then 1 1/2 - 2 years. Utah, Colorado, Washington, California. I would hop flights between all of them. Enroll in new schools, meet new people, enjoy a new life. Yes, it would be hard when I first learned that again I would have to move, but when it was time to leave I was ready to go. These moves allowed me to  see the disparity between the rich and poor, the mountain people and sea people, the difference in cultures.

This constant moving soon set in as being a normal part of life, and I would become restless after a few years to move again. This is how I have been feeling lately . Living in Salt Lake for the past six years has been the longest I have lived in one place since I was a small child.

 That Escape Gypsy inside of me, or whatever you want to call it, has been aching for a new location.  Where I will go will be anyones guess, and when I will leave will be even more of a guess. It may be just for a vacation or to move for good. Whatever the road  I am  ready to pack my bags at a moments notice and leave everybody and everyone I know behind to find those in whom God will let me to share with my life with next. I will always find the real Brittani while moving from destination A-B, between airplane flights, bus stops, and train terminals. For to me this is c'est la vie

The simple things in life

Sometimes I think too much on the deep things in life. Eternity, the gospel, my future, getting married, keeping the commandments, etc, etc, etc. Although I love all of these things, and they are important I have been finding lately that it is also OK to enjoy the simple even stupid  ( ok, nice) things in life. I think sometimes we are so serious with ourselves that we forget that God gave us creativity, beauty, and pleasure in life. Here are some simple, simple things that I L-O-V-E

Victoria secret makeup

Men ( Indian a plus)

Rap/Hip hop/and jazz music

Santa Cruz California

Refugees, Work, Discrimination, Anger, Awareness: READ AND BE CHANGED FOREVER!

First, I  want to say thank you to those that have tirelessly worked for the betterment of refugee resettlement! I am amazed every day at the volumes of volunteers, donations, and support that the agencies around the USA get! I feel privileged to work with so many organizations whose prime target is to better systematize, and fine tune resources for refugees that come to our state of Utah. Yet, still with all this progress there are some things that still eerk me, and quite frankly make me very upset and angry.

Today I want to bring awareness, and have the ability to step on my soap box for the next minute and a half. I am doing this because I spend 8+ hours a day, 5-6 days a week standing side by side with my clients and witnessing hills, mountains, barriers and struggles that they have to go through just to find a decent job, which  quite frankly if we took the time to educate our community  could make this feat a lot more simpler for them.  So lucky you...here is MY gripe, and YOUR education!

• I am angry that professional refugees ( Engineers, Doctors, Teachers, Social workers) have to work entry level jobs
• I am angry having to worry about how the "name" of a person will effect their job application , and if they will get a call back for an  interview 
• I am angry that when I call to ask about a job opening I am helped right away , but when I ( listening on speaker phone) have one of my clients call that same person, because of their accent, they are treated as second class citizens.
• I am angry that somehow an accent is seen as a hinder to intelligence.
• I am angry that just because someone is from a foreign country that they are considered un-schooled, un-intelligent, and are only able to handle  entry level work.
• I am angry that people can not work in their field of choice because the USA does not recognize their university degree
• I am angry that these same university graduates have a hard time being re-certified or admitted to certain universities because although they have YEARS of experience in their fields since  they cannot produce a piece of paper that says they gradated from college--usually because their school was bombed, or contacting the school will put their family still residing in the country in physical danger-- their opportunity is crushed by red tape.
• I am angry  having to constantly rally for clients to get simple documents --such as  finger prints required for jobs-- because although they have almost every NATIONAL GOVERNMENT DOCUMENT KNOWN TO MAN-- I-94, SS, Utah ID, EAD, etc.-- they  are still scrutinized and questioned about their legality far more then any other person in the state
• I am exhausted reiterating that YES REFUGEES ARE GIVEN PERMISSION THE MOMENT THEY LAND HERE TO WORK IN THE USA ( I-94, EAD, SS)
• I am angry that people think that although refugees have walked thousands of miles, survived persecution, hunger, laying in streets, separation from family, torture, decades in prison..that they "somehow" cant handle a job, or are seen as living off benefits
• I am angry that although it is a fact refugees are INVITED BY THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA ( and have so for decades) to come here...they are STILL seen as illegal by the mass population

I know most people are innocently unaware of these things. If you are take this knowledge and inform others. If not --have some empathy. Refugees are NOT helpless they have overcome trials that would have killed most of us in a matter of days. This takes some type of virtue that is very unique. They deserve respect. Remember the golden rule: Do unto others what you want to be done unto you!

Manifesting weird, crazy, insane parts of your soul

In the deep crevices of every human I really think that we are all multiple personalities, but only one manifests itself. I mean come on...we are made of genes, but only the domiant of those manifest itself. For example, my brother is brown with black hair, so is his wife, but they have a red haired ball of joy! If dominant genes  physichally manifieste why can't they also be manifiested in our personalities. This has been a struggle for me, because I feel like there are so many things that I am that I wish could be seen by other people. Yet, either by the city that I live in, the people I surround myself with, and just my dominate nature it seems hidden to the world. I still want to show the world these parts of me, and find those rare few that also like what I like....but it is hard! So here goes...some things that I am/miss about life before/or want to do that people would proably never know.

I love techno. I want to go and dance in a techno club. Strobe lights, big pants, multi color hair

Have a desire to hang out with crazy funny friends in random places like a railroad station or  under a highway bridge

Make Crazy youtube videos with people that are not afraid of being stupid

Dance some random hip hop craziness in the middle of the city

Find friends that will go travel cross country with me... toilet papering random peoples houses along the way

Singing and being part of a pop/techno/garage band

I love my friends, but having one friend in which I could do stupid, random, and insane things with

wow....I think what my psyche wants is to be juvenile again....that reminded me of one time where me and my friends dragged a bed through the streets as cars were approaching, because we thought it was funny...and i pee'd my pants...anyways! ya! so now I need to figure out a way to do all of this this year...if you think you could help then comment and tell me what I should do!

peace, love, brittani

A love song

When i'm alone in my room
Sometimes i stare at the wall
And at the back of my mind i hear my conscious call
Telling me i need a boy who's as sweet as a dove
For the first time in my life, i see i need love
There i was giggling about the games that i had played with many hearts
And i'm not sayin' no names.
Then the thought occurred, tear drops made my eyes burn
As i said to myself when am i gonna learn?
I can feel it inside, i can't explain how it feels
All i know is that i'll never dish another raw deal
Playin' make believe, pretending that i'm true,
Holding in my laugh as i say that i love you.

Saying no more, kissing you on the ear,
Whispering 'i love you and i'll always be here,
Although i always reminisce, i can believe that i found
A desire for true love floating around inside my soul
Because my soul is cold, one half of me deserves to be this way
Until i'm old, but the other half needs affection and joy
And the warmth that is created by a girl and a boy

I need love (Got my mind made up,Got my mind made up, Got my mind made up)i need love (Got my mind made up)
I'm a lady (Got my mind made up)
I need love.i need love
I'm a lady

I had a dream that you and i were both 16
Holding hands after school,
We didn't care who would see
You'd tell me that i was pretty and that you'd love me for life
Take care of me forever 'cause you'd make me a wife
When the girls call me up and try to mess with my head
Tell 'em all that if i left you, you'd be better off dead
'cause you'll never love another, they just don't understand
That your life would be over if i found another mate,
You call me up on the phone, we were talking til we fell asleep,
Without you i think i'd rather be in hell
Life just wouldn't be as fun, it wouldn't be the same,
I wanna stay with you forever and even take your last name
'cause there's no one in my life that makes me feel as good as you
The way we cuddle on the couch and share the secrets that we do
With all the little jokes that no one else could ever know and the part of me
That you can see 'cause you're the one i show
I know we gotta make it work, 'cause baby you're the man for me
Without you by my side my world would be incomplete
And if you ever leave me lonely, boy my heart would be crushed
you know you touch me so now i know boy,

I need love.i need love
I'm a lady
I need love..i need love
I'm a lady
I need love ï'm a lady 


Amanda Blake

Beautiful Life histories:: Beautiful Bus Riding

I remember throughout my life always riding public transportation. At first I hated it. My mom would never drive me anywhere. I would have to take the bus to the mall, friends, church etc. Yet, something special always happened on the bus, and that was the unity of community. As I grew and bounced back and forth between parents I found I would feel trapped if I could not just hop on a bus and go. I loved the freedom and independence would bring. I could leave my world behind me, and explore the world yet undiscovered!

This love for public transportation grew even more as I moved to Salt Lake City for my last two years of high school. I loved taking trax, buses, and walking  anywhere my heart desired! During this time I was able to meet random people on the street, and these people became my friends; they became a part of my life just by being in the same spot everyday.

Walking past a parking lot I remember saying hi every day to a 30 year old Hispanic attendant. I would never know if he was in there until  I walked by and the blinds from his hub would suddenly whisk open, and his beautiful smile would beam as he waved frantically to me.

 Down the road I would walk past the ever present homeless person as we exchanged smiles and nods. Next I would walk past the LDS temple as I exchanged glances with another parking attendant. The bus drivers also became my friends.

Our lives became in sync as the bus driver would tell me about her kids, and I would tell her about school. If one day I forgot my bus pass it was not a problem, because she knew I would have it  next time. This bond helped us protect each other as one day a man that lost his temper attacked another man. We both stood up, and screamed our hearts out at him! "Hey!" we yelled " Get off the BUS!", and he did!

All of these people became a part of my life, and I was blessed to have them sprinkled like sugar into it!

As I started  driving my car to work everyday I lost that. I missed it. It became the one thing I desired the most. Seeing the world pass you by as you , only you, drive past it offers you nothing. I did not get the fulfilling glances of a stranger. Instead I got the self loathing of my brain.

Luckily this only lasted 6 months, and I am now on the bus again! The effects of me being on the bus have  re-surfaced as four people touched my heart, and made me ponder the sweetness, sorrows, and mysteries of life today.

On the way to work there was a mother, and her baby, playing with each other. The baby obviously adored her , and was sweetly caressing her face. He would smile as the mom whisked him up into the air. It was a sweet bond. I find it beautiful the connection between a mom and her baby. It is one of the most beautiful things in this world.  That was not the highlight, though.

Across the way was an older man looking fondly at the pair as they snuggled, caressed, and played with each other. His face seemed to endearingly enjoy the two, yet also had look of longing  as well. It made me wonder where his wife was? How many children did he have? Was this something that was in his life, but was soon taken hostage by time? Did he have memories of his own precious wife cuddling their baby? It just made me wonder how much of a blessing family can be, and also that those precious moments are short lived, and in the future must be re-lived through other people.

When I switched to take trax another individual caught my eye. Living in Downtown Salt Lake for five years I have become adequet in recognizing someone that lives on the street. The are usually men, have a hiking bag strapped to their back, and wear layers and layers of clothing. This was one of those men. This man caught my eye today because there were tears coming from his eyes. At first I thought maybe it was because he was older ( 50-60), and it was just fluid discharging. Yet, reading the emotions from his face it made me think maybe not...

 At first I was a little concerned. Thoughts started going through my mind of what I could do? Do I have money I can give him? no....Should I say a kind word? what if he thinks I am a freak?...Maybe I will just say a prayer? ok...I will say a prayer. When I looked again at his face, though, he did not seem to be crying out of sorrow, but a smile was on his face. Did something touch him earlier? Was he thinking of his family that he is not in contact with anymore? Did at first that bring him sorrow, but then happiness as he remembered them fondly? My questions were not answered, but just by the mere riding on the bus he changed my day for the better.

The others also changed my life for the better. Instead of focusing on my own life I was treated at seeing a glimpse of their lives! What a pleasure it was!

Grown men crying

I get very forlorn when a grown man is on the brink of crying, because I feel it means they are deeply sad. Not just sad, but DEEPLY sad. I had to tell one of my clients today that he needs to find a job first, and that it may take up to a year for him to go back to school because of finances. He looked at me and said with tears in his eyes

"Brittani, I really want to start my education so that I can get a good job. Please help me."

I tried to explain to him that we will start the process, because I want him to get a education as well. In fact that is the one thing I want all my clients to get. But that he needs to focus on securing his basic needs, which means getting a job. It didn't seem to comfort him though.


Sometimes my clients  have so much stress in their lifes that when I deny them anything even for a time they get so overwhelemed to the point of tears. This brings me to tears, because I understand how they feel because I have been there. Yet, I also want to show them that there is proably a better way. If they just wait for a season all of their wants and desires will come true.

This gave me a glimpse into my own life, and how I have been begging God to bring someone into my life. Everyday I tell him "Lord why not now. Why can't you send him now. Where is he?". I get upset with it taking so long. Another love here then lost.


Right guy, wrong time. Right time, wrong guy. New guy old lines, old guy new lies.


Yet with this experience I realized that sometimes we see what we want, and don't see that it WILL come to us we just have to wait for the right time. And that when I cry God hears and feels my pain.